This review, being a review and all, contains information on a programme that has already been on television – specifically, the first episode of The Celebrity Traitors. If you have not seen the first episode of The Celebrity Traitors and do not want to read information about the first episode of The Celebrity Traitors then please! Look away now.
I’m sorry to have to labour the point but every critic had to sign the Official Secrets Act before screeners were released to us and I am racked with paranoia. Which is the ideal state in which to approach any series of The Traitors, of course, so well-played, BBC marketing/psyops team.
All the essential elements are present and correct. The Winkleman. The castle. The dramatic Winkleman cloaks. The dramatic Winkleman sleeves. The boots. The round table around which the Winkleman stomps in her boots to mark out Traitor from Faithful. The eight kabillion first-round contestants.
The only difference is that it is a bit easier to keep track of those first-round contestants because they are all familiar faces, designed as a group to pull in punters from all possible demographics and keep the BBC’s current greatest hit as popular as ever. There are national treasures (Celia Imrie, Stephen Fry, Clare Balding) and people for the kidz (YouTube prankster Niko Omilana, TikToker turned actor Ruth Codd, singer-songwriter and frankly mesmeric screen presence Cat Burns), TV presenters (Jonathan Ross, Alan Carr, David Olusoga, Kate Garraway), actors and comedians (Mark Bonnar, Tameka Empson, Nick Mohammed, Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont), singers (Charlotte Church, Paloma Faith) and sportspeople (Joe Marler, Tom Daley). “He’s a diver,” Empson says fondly of the last as they send him running back over hill and dale to find a missed clue during the first task, “but we use him for everything.”
The first task, before the traitors have been chosen, is to dig through their own mock graves for shields that will protect a handful of them against being murdered first time round. Mohammed immediately abandons his own to help Imrie. Why? “Because,” he says, beaming helplessly, “I love her!” I have thought about this from every possible angle and can only conclude that we may just have witnessed the last pure moment in history. Or at least on The Celebrity Traitors, which is all I have the capacity to care about for the next few weeks anyway.
Three traitors are appointed by the Winkledomme. They are well-chosen (look AWAY, I’ve TOLD you once): calm, controlled Burns who surveys all with a coolly appraising gaze, avuncular Ross, the safest pair of hands – and Carr, who does not know how to whisper, maintain a straight face or keep a secret. “It’s burning me!” he gasps, and you can feel it. He could drop the lot of them in it at any given moment and I love it.
The first task involves pulling a two-and-a-half-tonne Trojan horse, everyone’s favourite symbol of duplicity, through the Scottish Highlands and four gates that have to be unlocked by solving problems or sacrificing a shield. Mohammed proves himself not just to be a parfit, gentil knight but also a puzzle ninja, and Balding makes a terrible mistake which she does not actually apologise for – although if she did and it was left on the cutting room floor, she needs to get on to her agent forthwith. Church proves herself to be the absolute queen we already know her to be. Then they have to reach a fire pit and set it alight, all within 30 minutes, to win £15,000 towards a maximum prize of £100,000 for charity.
Next it’s time for the first murder. It requires teamwork from the treacherous trio and speed and discretion from Carr. We’ll find out how it went in the next episode. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find the second instalment opening with a shot of Carr weeping in Ross’s arms while Burns rolls her eyes.
Roll on the next few weeks. Mohammed for the win. Burns for the career pivot. Ross and Fry for a lie-down and Imrie for a possible psychopath. Keep an eye on her.
